Man-Portable Aerial Defense Systems
*not actual defense systems. please do not scramble jets.
CRYSTAL RIVER, FL // EST. 2026 // GARAGE BAY 1
Our vertically-integrated (we built shelves) defense platform leverages cutting-edge consumer electronics and an unshakeable belief in PVC pipe.
Our ESP32-based flight computer runs a custom guidance algorithm that we're about 80% sure works correctly. Paired with the MPU6050 6-axis IMU, the system achieves what we generously describe as "directional awareness." The rocket generally goes up. Sometimes it goes where we want it to.
Featuring folding fin assemblies and canard control surfaces designed in Fusion 360 by a man who learned CAD from YouTube. The folding mechanism works 9 out of 10 times, which in the defense industry we understand is called "acceptable." The canards provide pitch and yaw authority that local pelicans find deeply unsettling.
A comprehensive sensor array including GPS (for finding the rocket after it lands in the neighbor's yard), digital compass (for knowing which direction the neighbor's yard is), and barometric pressure sensors (for confirming the rocket did, in fact, go up). All data is logged to an SD card we keep losing.
All structural components are 3D printed in PLA and PETG on a printer that was purchased "for the kids" and has since been exclusively used for rocket parts. Fusion 360 CAD designs undergo rigorous peer review (we showed our neighbor, he said "that's neat"). Iteration cycle: approximately one argument with the printer per day.
Every design undergoes extensive OpenRocket flight simulation before physical testing. Our virtual test range has a 100% success rate, which is significantly better than our physical test range. We have simulated over 200 flights. We have actually flown 7. We don't talk about flights 3 and 5.
Our launch platform utilizes schedule-40 PVC pipe sourced from Home Depot (the one on US-19, they know us by name now). The blast deflector is a cookie sheet. The launch controller is an ESP32 with a relay module and a button that says "DO NOT PRESS" in label maker tape. The fire suppression system is a garden hose.
Formal system parameters as documented in the official program binder (a 3-ring binder from Walmart with "TOP SECRET" written on it in Sharpie).
| Parameter | Specification |
|---|---|
| DESIGNATION | FM-PADS Mk. I "Gator's Wrath" ACTIVE |
| GUIDANCE | ESP32-based, occasionally accurate. GPS-assisted when satellites feel like cooperating. INS backup via MPU6050 (drift rate: "noticeable") |
| PROPULSION | Commercial solid rocket motor, Estes E12 or equivalent. Thrust curve: "goes real fast then stops" per OpenRocket analysis |
| RANGE | Depends on wind, humidity, and how many beers were consumed during pre-flight calibration VARIABLE |
| ALTITUDE | Simulated: 850ft. Actual: "pretty high" (barometric altimeter was upside down on flight 3) |
| PAYLOAD | None. It's a model rocket. Relax. Maximum payload bay capacity: one (1) GoPro or a note that says "hi" |
| RECOVERY | Parachute deployment via electronic ejection charge. Backup: walk around the field looking up. Tertiary: check the neighbor's roof. |
| LAUNCH SYSTEM | PVC pipe and vibes. 3-position safety switch: OFF / ARMED / SEND IT |
| AIRFRAME | 3D-printed PETG and PLA. Structural analysis performed by dropping it on the garage floor and seeing if it breaks |
| TESTING FACILITY | My backyard in Crystal River, FL. Secondary range: that field behind the Publix COORDINATES WITHHELD |
| OPERATING TEMP | Florida ambient (85-105°F, 100% humidity, 40% chance of alligator) |
| REGULATORY STATUS | Probably fine. We checked the FAA website once. Model rocketry is legal. We're pretty sure this counts. Don't @ us. |
| BUDGET | ~$47 per prototype, not counting the 3D printer we told our spouse was "a household investment" |
| PERSONNEL | 1x Chief Engineer / CEO / CFO / Intern (same person) FULLY STAFFED |
Authorized Florida MANPADS merchandise. All items are ITAR-free and can be exported to your mailbox without congressional approval.
100% cotton. Military green. Features the FM-PADS logo and our motto on the back: "Per Ardua Ad Garage" (Through Adversity to the Garage). Pairs well with cargo shorts.
Structured 6-panel hat. Embroidered "FLORIDA MANPADS - EST. 2026" with rocket silhouette. One size fits most Florida Man head shapes. Mesh back for ventilation in our subtropical R&D environment.
Premium vinyl, weatherproof, rated for Florida sun exposure (which is the harshest test environment known to sticker science). Perfect for laptops, coolers, and that one toolbox in your garage.
Ceramic mug featuring the mission patch and "FUELED BY COFFEE AND QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS" on the reverse. Dishwasher safe. Not microwave safe (we learned this the hard way, like most things).
A comprehensive briefing on the Florida MANPADS initiative, its origins, capabilities, and strategic roadmap.
The Florida Man-Portable Aerial Defense System (FM-PADS) program was initiated in early 2026 when the program director (hereafter referred to as "Florida Man") decided that consumer-grade electronics had become sophisticated enough to build a legitimately guided model rocket system in a residential garage. What began as a "quick weekend project" has since consumed approximately $347 in 3D printer filament and an amount of free time that his wife considers "concerning."
Our R&D facility (garage) features state-of-the-art ventilation (we open the door), climate control (a box fan from Walmart), and a dedicated electronics workbench (half of a folding table). The facility maintains a strict clean-room protocol: we sweep the floor when company comes over. Soldering operations are conducted under a fume extractor that is actually just the aforementioned box fan pointed at an open window.
All aerodynamic components are designed in Autodesk Fusion 360 using parametric modeling techniques learned from a combination of official tutorials and "how to make cool stuff" YouTube channels. Each design undergoes computational fluid dynamics analysis (we look at it and go "yeah, that looks aerodynamic"). Structural components are validated through our proprietary Drop Test Protocol™ (dropping the part on the garage floor from waist height).
Prior to physical flight testing, all configurations are simulated in OpenRocket, an open-source rocket flight simulator that has prevented at least three (3) catastrophically bad ideas from reaching the launch pad. Our simulation database contains over 200 virtual flights across 14 design iterations. Physical testing is conducted at an undisclosed location that is definitely not behind the Publix under conditions that comply with NAR safety guidelines and also depend heavily on whether the field is being used for youth soccer practice that day.
The flight computer is built on the ESP32 microcontroller platform, selected for its dual-core processor, built-in WiFi (for pre-flight telemetry downloads, not for posting launches to Instagram mid-flight), and the fact that it costs $4 on Amazon. The MPU6050 inertial measurement unit provides 6-axis motion sensing with accuracy levels that we describe as "good enough for model rocketry and bad enough for plausible deniability." GPS, compass, and barometric modules round out a sensor suite that, collectively, cost less than a dinner at Applebee's.
Unsolicited feedback from stakeholders, observers, and one pelican.
"I thought he was building a birdhouse. Then I saw the launch rail. Then I called the HOA. The HOA said there's technically no rule against it. I'm moving."
"He comes in every Tuesday and buys PVC pipe. Every. Tuesday. I've stopped asking what it's for. I don't want to know. I just scan the pipe and pray."
"He called us to ask if his project 'needed a permit.' We told him it was a model rocket. He said 'but what if it's really good?' We hung up. He called back."
"We have reviewed the Florida MANPADS program and can confirm it does not fall under ITAR export controls because it is, and I cannot stress this enough, a model rocket made of 3D-printed plastic."
"I don't know what an ESP32 is. I don't know what an IMU is. I do know that the garage now has more electronics than our house and he still hasn't fixed the doorbell."
"SQUAWK"